there is no spoon

Today is a day I don't want to forget. I've been broken.

For 2.5 years I've joked with my classmates about how in grad school "they" try to "break" you down before building you up. Foolishly, I thought that I was broken enough. I thought while I pretended to be broken I could keep a small part of what I'll call my identity. Also during 2.5 years I've been doing a lot of self-reflection. I've questioned my ability, my desire, and my goals. It has been a learning process. I've learned about my ability, my desire, my goals and myself.

The last four days I've discovered some things about myself that seem pretty profound. On Saturday I realized why I've been frustrated. I feel like I ask and ask and ask for help and I never get any help. On Saturday I realized that my definition of "support" or "help" means that someone takes an active role...they DO things that I can't do on my own or guide me and tell me what to do. It turns out that "support" in graduate school means that a person won't impede your progress. It is a subtle but important distinction.

I also realized that I've truly believed that in graduate school I could experience it as much as I could influence it. Only two days ago did I resign myself to the fact that I have to focus my energy only on my experience and not my influence.Again, it is a subtle but important distinction.

[I have to say now that I can't thank my friends enough. A handful of people are the type of people who help me in the way that I desire it most...they actively pursue ways to aid me. They DO things to connect with me and stimulate me and invite me to help them. These special people are really amazing and I couldn't (and I won't) do this without them.]

Today marked the pinnacle of my self-reflection, so far. For tears and for 2.5 hours I cried. I couldn't stop the tears or the feeling inside me. I realized a painful truth...and I am it. I am simultaneously the person who can make things happen and the person who prevents things from happening. What was really scary was during this process I felt myself breaking down. I no longer believed that I can influence things or that I should bother. Everything I do has to support my progress or it isn't worth my time or my energy. For another hour I cried, but my feelings were no longer of loss. Instead I came to realize what it means to be independent.

You see, I've been trying to play by the rules. I've been trying to guess what the rules of graduate school are...who to talk to, what to do, when to do it. But the only rule of grad school is that there are no rules. I have to make the rules as I go.

This afternoon I'm thinking about how I can remember this day. For now this is how I see it: the first 2.5 years of grad school I have felt a lot like Winston from the book 1984. Like Winston hiding his love affair (being in love is a crime in 1984) I was hiding my idealogical beliefs about my participation in grad school. And like Winston who is convinced by torture that love is bad I've now accepted my role as a graduate student. But my fate isn't as bad as you'd think because my story won't end in 1984. My story will end like the movie The Matrix. I've been awaken. I now know that there are no rules.

Lastly, I have to remember that I have to take ownership in everything I do. I cannot think that others control me or my progress.